On Fiction
by grumpyjenn
Summary: Doctor Who the show does not exist in his own universe. But what happens when he finds it on extra-dimensional telly? M for language. Mood whiplash.


"River, come look at _this_!"

River Song looked up from her book in the TARDIS library, where she was reclined with her feet in the pool. He called her into the console room to look at something "cool" at least a dozen times a day, but this time his voice sounded... _scandalised_, she decided, rather than delighted in the coolness of it all.

He was fun when he was scandalised; it often led to scandalous behavior as his obsessive nature explored whatever had set him off to its full extent.

So with a sigh of fond exasperation, she pulled her feet out of the water and padded, barefoot, to the console room. "Hello, Sweetie," she said, as though she hadn't done this four times already today, "what have you got for me?"

"_This_!" he said, a little breathlessly, and waved his hand at the console screen. She looked. It was a wall of fairly small text and she pulled the screen closer.

"Wha-at?" she asked, laughing, "Why, my dear Doctor, are you reading _smut_?"

"Just read it, River."

She read it, tongue sticking out of one corner of her mouth. "Oi!" she said, nearly as scandalised as the Doctor, "This is about_ us!_"

"It is," he chortled, gleefully. "Did you know that in other universes, we are_ fiction_? There's this show on the telly, and it's all about us, and then these other people write stories - called _fan-fiction, _I assume that's from the word _fanatic_, it only makes sense after all, because these people... oh forget it - based on the show and even about the actors in the show - Matt and Alex play _us_, and..." He pulled the console screen toward him and there was a short tussle over possession of the screen until she distracted him by nibbling on his ear, and then the scuffling transformed into loving, there in the jump seat by the console.

"My love," she said sleepily, some time later, "what about spoilers? On the show, I mean... if we watch the show d'we have to worry about spoilers?"

"Mmm..." he said thoughtfully, "the show seems to be from my point of view, so I'm pretty sure there aren't spoilers for me, but there may be for you..." He frowned.

"I've done the Byzantium," she said, and smiled at him, "so I'd guess anything after that for you is safe. You'd better watch them first, to be sure though."

"Fuck yeah," the Doctor said, and River stared at him.

"_What_ did you say?" she squeaked.

"I said _fuck yeah_," he assured her earnestly. "Did I use it wrong? Am I supposed to use more curse words in the same sentence? Like, _fuck yeah, you goddamn hot piece of shit,_ maybe? Stop_ laughing_, River, I'm serious, about half of the stories written about us have me talking like that, and I think I'm doing it wrong."

River could not stop laughing; every time she thought she had controlled herself she remembered the look on his face and broke into giggles again. "Your... (giggle) your_ face _(chortle)... you look so _offended_ (peal of laughter)," she gasped, and the Doctor looked even more affronted that she'd laugh at him when he was trying so hard to do it right. He made a scoffing sound like _hmph _and turned back to the console screen, pouting. River finally got herself under control and managed, "I'm sorry, Sweetie, I'll just go back to my book. You call me when you've found some that are safe for me to watch or read without spoilers, okay?" He nodded absently, still reading, and she kissed him on the cheek and left the console room, only to be called back by his voice.

"River," he shouted, sounding a little alarmed, "You're not _really_ the latest regeneration of the Master, are you? And shagging me and my Ninth self at the same time?" She poked her head back into the room.

"I can assure you, my love," she said, chuckling again, "that if I were to shag anyone from your past at the same time as you, it'd be Jack Harkness, from all I've heard of him." She winked cheekily at him and left the room, still snickering.

He thought about that possibility for a moment, but decided he'd save it for another time.

Several hours later, River went looking for him. She assumed that he was still watching the show or reading the _fan-fiction_, probably taking notes or maybe writing his own stories, because once he got into a project it took ages to pull him out. Sexy Thing wasn't saying what he was up to, so River went looking. And found him asleep, head pillowed on his arms on the console, with tear streaks on his face. _Oh dear_, she thought, and kissed him gently. He jerked awake and for one instant he looked utterly woebegone, but then he smiled at her and flung his arms around her. "I don't think this show is good for me, my River," he whispered into her hair, "it's entirely too accurate."

"Spoilers?" Her voice was very quiet.

"Far too many spoilers." And she held him as he wept.


End file.
